It’s very difficult for me to write this post but recently I’ve been chatting with some people and I’ve decided that girls need to start sharing their experiences with other girls. It helps us all. I know I’ve learnt a lot and taken a lot of advice from others experiences so maybe someone can take something from mine. As my younger cousin has told me ‘Grace you have to go through these things so that you can teach me’ and that’s right. So that’s what I’m going to do and even if this only helps one person then that’s good enough for me. I’m not going into details in this post before anyone asks; this is solely about dealing with you, healing yourself and loving yourself after a breakup. So these are my experiences after the break up and not during, therefore no details need to be disclosed.
So..statistics show that 61% of the population have had their heart broken, this year I became part of that percentage. I didn’t think my broken heart would come at such a young age of 17 but it did. But at least now I can say I’ve dealt with it once and I’ve learnt the do’s and don’ts earlier on than some people have and will. I’ve learnt a lot about love in the past year too. The fact that just because you love someone it doesn’t justify their actions. Loving someone doesn’t mean you should justify the way they treat you and the big one is that loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re best for each other. Getting your heartbroken is the worst feeling in the world, I will admit to that one. As much as I’m trying to be positive here, that is correct. It feels as though someone is ripping your heart out of your chest, you have a constant wave of sadness in your tummy and a lump that’s stuck in your throat. It’s a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Do not try and cover up your feelings. It’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to wail in your own self-pity…for a while. No one is expecting to you to be happy, it hurts. If you have the right people around you, they’ll know what’s going on and they will want you to express your upset in any way that you need to. Whether that be ranting (I did a lot of that) whether it be eating ice cream (I did a lot of that too) whether it be watching romance movies and screaming ‘Liarrrr’ at the screen over and over again (I did this one as well) or whether it just be plain and simple crying in the middle of Sainsbury’s (And I may just be guilty of this one also!)
But what I have learnt is that it doesn’t matter how upset you get, where you get upset, even if you get upset months down the line (guilty again!) it doesn’t matter because this is all part of the road to healing, it’s all learning, it’s all part of the process. And it doesn’t matter that you’re upset now, this is only the first stage.
The second stage is doing the things that make you feel good. Go out with the girls, go clubbing, have some cocktails, dance on the tables, sing at the top of your lungs in the car, act like you’re crazy because it makes you feel good. The worst thing you can do is stay in and keep on feeling sorry for yourself for too long. And like I said if you’ve got the right people around you then they’ll have your back and they’ll know how to make you have a good time. I’m lucky enough to have the best friends and family and when I was feeling down and needed them they were there. I’ve done so much and been to so many places in these past sixth months because I haven’t stopped to think or convince myself not to. If you can I defiantly recommend a girly trip away. Having something to focus on, plan and look forward to is a great distraction. My trip to Barcelona did me the world of good and I’ve made some amazing memories as well.
Now speaking of memories…this leads me on to the dwelling on the past and looking back issue. It is one that I have struggled with myself. Looking back at pictures and memories is considered a bad thing when it comes to speaking about a break up but I see it as a good thing. You didn’t waste time with that person, you made some amazing memories and at the time you were happy. Just because you aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean that all them memories should just magically disappear. However keep it to a minimum. Keep going over memories can blur the lines of why you broke up in the first place which you need to keep in mind. You need to remind yourself of the bad times to keep you from going back on your decisions and the reasons for them decisions. Take into consideration how you felt all the rubbish times as well as all the good and happy.
This leads me on to my point of not dwell in on the situation. Whatever happened has happened. There’s no going back. I spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done differently and asking where it started going wrong. But you just can’t do that. If everyone blamed themselves for every single thing in this world everyone would be driving themselves crazy. Equally don’t go over and over situations in your head, whoever they involve. Don’t go digging for more information because what’s done is done and you can’t change the past; as much as we would all like to. Finally don’t blame them. Hating someone isn’t healthy and everyone makes mistakes. But also remember that you don’t always have to give second chances…or millionth chances.
So your mind has been taken off one aspect of your life…so what should you do? Focus on another. And no I don’t mean another boy. I mean focus on something you’ve been wanting to but haven’t had the time. Throw all your motivation and spare time into a goal you want to achieve. For me this was getting healthier, losing weight and becoming happy with my body. This is a really good one honestly because I found I let out a lot of my emotions when excoriating. I let out a lot of anger and upset in a positive and controlled way. And it resulted in a great aftermath; I’m now so much fitter, healthier and happier. So I guess technically you could say I got that ‘revenge body’ but that’s your words not mine!
It doesn’t have to be exercise that you focus on of course, it could be a hobby for example I also focused on my blogging. As well as schoolwork, I really threw myself into my schoolwork directly after which was a great distraction and also something I was determined to succeed in. It could even just be spending time doing more things you enjoy like drawing, reading, seeing your friends or family more often. Anything, as long as you’re focused, motivated and are enjoying yourself.
So whilst learning what to do, I’ve also learnt what not to do. And some of them things are definitely staying in too long on your own. Being alone gives you too much time to think, too much time to dwell, too much time to be sad. You need to get out there. I was lucky enough that all my friends were around for me and at my disposable whenever I needed any of them. For that I will be forever grateful. But there are times when people aren’t always around. For example recently all of my friends are doing different things, they aren’t always around. A lot of my friends have gone off to uni; one of my friends is a flight attendant flying all over the globe for different lengths of time and on completely different time zones. Some of my friends live further away anyway, some of them work weekends and evenings and majority of my friends do have boyfriends. But I’ve learnt that just because they aren’t around for me at that moment doesn’t mean that they don’t care or don’t have time for me. And it certainly doesn’t mean that I’m lonely. I only have to send them a text or pick up the phone and one of them will be there. This leads me onto what to do if you can’t go out. There are tons of things you can do by yourself that will keep you happy. Some of my favourite things to do personally are go for a walk, do some baking, watch YouTube videos or do my make-up to make myself feel good. But the list is endless.
This leads me onto my next point about what to do when you’re feeling left out. We live in the era of social media. I probably scroll through 100-200 posts a day whether it is on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr or even Snapchat about relationship goals. You can’t get away from it. But you have to remember as happy as them couples are right now and in them photos, they have their moments to. They fight, they argue, they get upset…they might have even had their hearts previously broken before they found each other. That girl might have felt exactly the way you’re feeling now but guess what? Now she’s found someone who loves and she’s happy. So why shouldn’t she share it. And one day you will be too and you’ll want to share it. However just because these ‘relationship goals’ are what we are stereotypically and supposedly meant to look up to, doesn’t mean that we have to. Majority of the time these posts are like all aspects of social media, played up to be more exciting and to get more attention. It isn’t all real. However there are certain relationship goals that are real and are worth looking up to. I have my list of couples I look up to but once again that doesn’t mean I am going to compare all my relationships to them, which is something I have been guilty of in the past.
Now, all things I think people struggle with either just after a break up, months after or even if you have never been in a relationship is your friends being in relationships. Majority of my friends are in relationships at the moment and trust me I’ve had my moments. It’s difficult when one day you’re all discussing your boyfriends together speaking about what they do, what they don’t do, what you do together and all the traits of a relationship. And then the next day they are still talking about theirs but you don’t have anyone to share and speak about anymore. It’s almost like you shouldn’t be part of that conversation anymore, like you don’t have anything to speak about so just be quiet. It’s difficult when you see someone so loved up and happy, a way you once were. You’re going to get envious it’s only natural. I felt this way at first but one thing I have never been on my friends in relationships is jealous. My friends deserve so much and I love them, I want them to be happy. At one point I noticed my friends stop talking about their boyfriends so much, probably because they knew I was so down when it came to the subject. But the truth is that I never want my friends to feel they can’t say something or share with me how they are feeling because I love seeing them happy and in love. It doesn’t mean that just because they’re hanging out with their boyfriend that night when you ask to see them that they don’t care. Don’t forget, you did that once too and no doubt you’ll do it again.
Recently I went out for dinner and bowling with my friends…and their boyfriends. I was nervous about it previously, considering if I actually wanted to go and put myself in this position where I obviously noticed I didn’t have anyone there and wonder what it would have been like if my ex-boyfriend would have been there. But actually I went, I surprised myself and I had a great time. My friends are great people so naturally they have great boyfriends. They were all so welcoming and actually I didn’t think about my ex once because I didn’t have time to. I was distracting myself once again. So if in this process you’re friends invite you out with their partners…go. You might just surprise yourself. And who knows one of their boys might bring a hot friend! (That hasn’t happened to me…yet!)
Finally and perhaps most importantly you need to get a kick ass playlist. Girl power tunes are what have kept me going these past few months and they will continue to keep me going until my end. If you’re looking for a great playlist you can check out my Spotify playlist full of girl power, break up, idgaf kind of tunes which is appropriately titled ‘Sass’ So go check it out and let me know your favourites, or equally any songs you think I’ll love let me know in the comments or via social media.
SASS SPOTIFY PLAYLIST BY GRACEFULCOUTURE
That is all from me; remember that you can’t change anyone as much as you think you can. You cannot fix anyone. Equally, no one can change or should try and change you. Some things don’t last forever and sometimes things have to end even if you do not want them to. But things always get better, life goes on and something and someone better will come along. I hope this post has helped you out and even if it hasn’t then I hope you’ve enjoyed the read, lengthy as is it is.
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Stay Strong and Stay Sassy xox